Sickies, Springtime, and Easter

Wow have we had an interesting few weeks for us over here. Olivia came down with a fever last saturday night. At first I attributed this to teething because that's what she had been doing the entire week before that. It had already been a tiring week because 2 teeth had popped through and I could see that 2 more were making their way up as well. She had thrown up because of them, had diarrhea because of them, and one day even had a slight fever. So I thought we were just in for more. I helped her as if she was sick- but thinking it was probably teeth. Unfortunately a few days later Steve fell victim to it as well.

I'm pretty sure it was the flu- and I don't know how (knock on wood) I managed to escape it, but I am eternally grateful. The entire week has been full of nursing two very sick people- all the while praying that I didn't get sick as well. I helped keep fevers down, administer medicine, tried to keep them hydrated, feed them, clean, do loads of laundry because I felt as if there were germs everywhere, and all the while try to get some sleep myself. Gratefully liv's fever broke sometime during Thursday night- and slowly since then she has been getting better. Yesterday I couldn't get her to drink much and she wasn't wetting her diapers which had me even more concerned but I am happy to report that things are better on that front as well. I can't tell you how wonderful it was to see her smiling and being her happy usual self yesterday. I have missed my little girl.

The weather here has been absolutely gorgeous! in the 70's! I have been running outside about 3 times a week and it is such a great escape (especially when everyone is sick at home :). The trees are starting to blossom and it really makes my heart happy. Even while liv was sick I took her on walks so she could get a little fresh air, I think it made her feel happier as well.

 Easter was wonderful as usual, however unusual it was because of sickness. I went to church on my own and listened to such beautiful and uplifting music that reminded me what a blessing it is to know that Jesus Christ Lives. Such a blessing. Liv got an Easter basket- which she wasn't all that thrilled about because she was sick, but later became more excited about. She loved dying Easter eggs though!

Scripture Power

 I found her like this the other day. Such a sweetheart, but the most tender thing happened last Monday during our Family Home Evening lesson.

For those of us don't know what Family Home Evening is, every Monday the families in our church gather with their own families and share a gospel message with one another and spend quality time as a family.

This past Monday we had a quick lesson (with an almost 2 year old the word "quick" is an understatement!) about the Scriptures. We pulled out the scriptures, talked about what they were and how they could help us and I asked Olivia this question: "How do the scriptures make us feel?" Now I wasn't really expecting an answer- I was just going to tell her that they make us feel good. But she suprised me and gave me an answer "Better" she said. Her unexpected response almost brought me to tears. It was so innocent, so sweet, and completely true. When we read the scriptures they make us feel better.

It amazes me how young children learn. It amazes me her knowledge. She really did teach me through her sweet little spirit on that night. I am so grateful to be a mother to this special little Angel.

Temples are her favorite

This girl loves Temples. There was a period of time where I could ONLY sing "I love to see the Temple" to her before bed- If I tried to sing another song I would get this "bemple bemple bemple bemple" over and over and over again until I sang the Temple song again. She loves it. She loves it so much that I got her a Temple board book which she must have in her crib every night when she goes to sleep.

When we go to church, she points at the steeple and says "bemple!" and she loves the church too because she gets to go to Nursery and play with "toys!, sing, and pray!"

The other day I had to make dinner , so I put on a YouTube video of the Song "I love to see the Temple" and I'm pretty sure she watched it 25 times by the time I was done with Dinner. This girl loves the Temple. It melts my heart.

 I am grateful she is already gaining a testimony of the Temple and what a wonderful place it is. I am so grateful for the Temple and how sacred it is, and the spirit that is felt while I am there. Grateful to know that through the work of the temple I am able to be sealed with my Family for eternity. That is an amazing blessing.

Being a Mommy

 Let me just say that Mother's day started out wonderfully. I slept in until 8! YAHOO! Steve got up with Olivia and I didn't hear a thing from them. Then, being the wonderful husband that he is, Steve made me breakfast while I cuddled with my girl on the couch. Breakfast was delicious- so was the cuddling. The rest of the day was just as blissful.

I love being a mom. Let me repeat. I love being a mom. Every day feels incredibly fulfilling- even if the laundry doesn't get folded and put away (come on- I'm not the only one right?), the dishes don't get all done before I got to bed, and my house is in total disarray I STILL fill fulfilled because I know I did all that I could to be the best mommy I could be. It's such an important job and I love doing it.

That isn't to say there aren't days when I'm exhausted and at my wits end- but I wouldn't change a thing about it. I have had a wonderful example of a mother in my life. She is seriously the greatest woman I have ever known hands down. When we were in Disneyland a couple of months ago my brother asked my mom something along these lines "Do you miss having young kids mom?" And she responded "Oh Yes, it was a lot of work but the best time of my life was raising my children." After she answered it literally brought tears into my eyes- Because I knew. I knew that what she said was true. I knew that one day my heart would ache when the raising would be over. Although they would always need me it will be different some day. I know that this is the happiest and most joyful time of my life and I will embrace it and enjoy every single bit of it.

I'm grateful to be a mommy. Grateful to be Olivia's mommy. Grateful for all the mommys out there who make this world a better place. Seriously- where would be be without them?

Liv- I love you so much. One day when you're a mommy- maybe you'll understand. maybe;) Love you to the moon and back dear one- thanks for blessing my life in an indescribable way. MUAH! 

The End of something Wonderful.

Two days ago- was the last time I will ever breast feed Olivia. Just writing that sentence makes me want to burst into tears. The hardest part was that I didn't know it would be the last day.

(I've added pictures of when she was just a little teeny tyke because she isn't little teeny anymore...)

A few weeks ago I thought- hey let me see what happens if I don't breast feed Olivia this morning. We sat on the couch with some yogurt instead. She lost it. She wanted to get away from me because she was so offended. She burst into tears- and not the angry kind, but the "I can't believe you are doing this to me mom" kind of tears. There was a laundry basket with clothes in it nearby and she buried her face into it. It broke my heart and I gave in, of course I gave in. I couldn't deny my baby something she wanted so badly.

After that experience we decided to just slowly lessen the time that she nursed each morning. It's been going well but slow. Yesterday morning was the sad part. I woke up early and got all ready and then I heard her get up. I brought her out of her crib (this is the part where she usually starts crying or whinning because she wants to nurse- it's almost immdiate), but yesterday she didn't. She pointed to the kitchen for some food. I had very conflicting emotions. In one way it was a relief because weaning her entirely didn't have to be a battle- the battle was won, yay! On the other hand, I wanted one more time. I wanted to relish in every single moment of that last time and I didn't get that chance- ah I'm almost in tears again. Over the past day I have had to come to a realization to help me get over this.

I've relished the last 15 1/2 months of this- I didn't miss a thing. It's true. It's been an absolutely beautiful experience for me. One of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced. (Okay, now I'm officially in tears.) I started weaning her shortly before her first birthday and when I started I had a really hard time, thinking that I wasn't ready for this, that I didn't want to give it up. And so I took a step back and realized that it didn't have to be a quick process. So for the last 3 1/2 months I have slowly, oh so very slowly weaned her. I relished every moment of it- realizing that it was okay for it to be over soon. It was right- she's growing up- and she isn't my baby anymore. (though, I'm pretty sure she will always be my baby.) So, no, I didn't get to really relish the "last time" but it's okay, I relished the last 15 1/2 months of it and boy what a wonderful 15 1/2 months.

I've heard people say that Breast feeding is a great sacrifice for a mom. It's for your baby. While that may be true, it didn't feel like a sacrifice for me. It felt like a way to bond with my baby. It felt like a way to provide something that only I could provide for her. It felt wonderful and I wouldn't change a thing about it. I'm just grateful I had the experience that I did.

"All Good things must come to an end." In some ways that statement sounds so negative, but it's not. I think they must end so that the next good thing can come your way. As hard as it is for me to see this Good Thing end (Oh goodness it's so hard), I know that it is right and it is good also. She's growing and learning and becoming more independent by the day. These are all positive things- all good things. I'm grateful that she is learning and growing.

I still remember the first time I nursed her- just minutes after she was born. It was perfect actually. She was perfect there in my arms. She is still perfect. She will always be perfect to me.

***It's time to end the post when the tears wont stop coming***

learning, growing, and struggling.

There is a lot of learning going on in this household. Learning is a good thing, but it definitely comes with its challenges. 

Olivia is taking so much in every single day and applying that into her life. She is learning who she is. Learning that she is indeed her very own person and that she can make her own decisions. Our free will- our agency is such a beautiful gift that we have been given, but man its a challenge.

She is going through the terrible twos. But it's not all terrible. When you look at it in the grand scheme of things its not terrible at all. It's beautiful. Beautiful because she is learning how to make decisions and express herself. It's my responsibility as a parent to guide her in a way so that she can express herself in a positive way and make decisions that are healthy for her- decisions that will make her happy. That's my job- my responsibility- my privilege as a parent- and if I have to be the bad guy in order to fulfill those responsibilities- so be it.

If she doesn't get what she wants - ever- she loses it. Yesterday was just embarassing. We went to lunch at a friend's house - in order to get to know each other better. Yeah, I envisioned a nice quiet lunch where we could talk about our lives, our likes, dislikes, etc... Not so much what really happened. Olivia yelled the entire time at the table- refused to eat (a new habit of hers), wanted to see the doggies, threw things off the table, etc... Finally I had to excuse ourselves, apologize, and take my tantrumy child home- where she continued to yell and scream at me. Yesterday was not our best day. Although I remained calm on the outside, smiled at her, showed her that although I wouldn't let her eat the chocolate I had hidden in the pantry that I still did love her.

The other day she wanted something to snack on and I told her it had to be something healthy. She wanted the cake we had had the night before. I told her it was going to be a banana (her favorite- I wasn't forcing her to eat something she hated) and she lost it. I sat down on the floor and held the banana while she screamed at me for the next 5-10 minutes. Miraculously, she stopped abrubtly- walked right over to me, sat down, and opened her mouth for her snack. Liv- 0 Mom- 1. I won that battle and I will continue fighting each and every battle- she's got to know who the boss is.

Yesterday was just downright hard- and I know I'm not the first mother to go through this, nor will I be the last. I feel like its just a new stage of parenting. A new stage that has its ups and its downs. We've already talked about the downs so lets talk about the ups.

She is so hilarious lately. I love watching her try to say new words and then she'll repeat them over and over and over. She kept trying to say purple today while we were playing with a purple easter egg. It sounded so cute coming out of her mouth. She is more playful than ever before. We run outside, we run around the apartment. We play hide and seek. Tickling is a favorite past time. She is super giggly- and those giggles warm my heart every time. I don't have to pick her up every where I go now. Instead, she grabs my hand and we walk wherever she wants to take me. It's so funny how something so simple as holding my bean's hand makes me the happiest momma on the earth. I don't look forward to the day when she wont hold my hand anymore. She is so full of life. Her personality is blossoming everyday and I just love to watch her learn and grow.

SO even though, its not all hearts and flowers all the time over here (Yesterday, I don't think there were any hearts and flowers) we are loving our life. We love watching our little Bean sprout. Learning can be a hard process- for anybody- so it's only normal that as she learns about the world and what she can and can't do- that it will come with its bumps and bruises.

I'm okay with that- maybe not always in the moment- but ultimately I'm grateful for it! Now- any advice on handling tantrums?

To Bake or to Play....

I regret to say, that sometimes I don't let Miss O. do certain things just because it will be too messy and I don't want to have to clean it up or her up....but I do believe that kids should have fun and explore ....so there is kind of a conflict of interest. But yesterday I had no regrets.

We were going to dinner at a friend's house and I was bringing dessert. So I decided to make some simple chocolate chip cookies- I decided that Olivia would have a blast "helping". SO I gave her some colorful bowls (her favorite ones), a spoon, a whisk, and some flour. YES, it was a mess, and yes she had more fun than you know!!

By the end the flour was everywhere but it kept her occupied and entertained the whole time I made cookies....who says a 1 year old can't be helpful in making cookies!

Leaving her mark!

I might have given her some chocolate chips as well- winning the best mama of the year award seeing as how she hadn't even eaten her lunch yet...let's just say it was a bit harder to get her to actually eat her lunch---who wants cucumbers when you can have chocolate? Since she was already a mess I didn't even bother putting a bib on her....bring on the disaster!!

 Every bit of it was worth it, she loved it, and I loved seeing the look on her face as she played!

 

We may or may not have ended up like this......

 

Things I said.

It's funny- before you become a mother there are things you said you would never do- and then you do them. Perhaps its that once you become a mother, reality kicks in and you realize that everything is not always picture perfect. Here are some of the things I said.

I would never let my house become messy. HAH! Yeah, right. Trust me, little O makes messes a lot quicker than I can pick them up.

My child WILL learn to cry herself to sleep. WELL.....Olivia would cry all night and never fall asleep so that didn't work out to well for us.

I will NOT be driven by my child's bedtime. It's okay if they go to bed 30 minutes later than usual. Maybe for some children- but not for mine. Get her in bed on time and you will NOT regret the decision, put her to bed late and you most assuredly will.

My child will never have a messy face. Nice try. Okay, I really do try with this one and usually her face is pretty clean- but it's definitely never perfectly clean but that's okay because her face is perfect.

My child's hair will always look put together. Well----- it definitely starts out that way, but by the end of the day usually looks more like this. It's cute too!

My clothes will always stay clean. I can't tell you how many times little O has wiped her nose on my shoulder....Now I just expect to look at my shoulder and see crusty boogers there. Gross, I know, but it comes with the job description.

under the weather.

Miss O. was feeling a little under the weather. No symptoms other than a fever so I figure it probably had something to do with teeth.

She spent all day yesterday on my lap- literally all day. I think she got down for 30 seconds.

Considering she usually isn't very snuggly- this tells you how badly she must have been feeling. There was a period of time where she sat on my lap whimpering and crying for over an hour. Poor thing.

Yesterday was simply a Mom day. My only role was to be there for her. We sat there together watching shows while we snuggled- just me her...and her dolly. Oh how grateful I am for her dolly.

At 1 in the morning last night, her dolly was finally the thing to help her stop crying. When she finally fell asleep I put her in her crib and she held on fast to that little dolly. Thatta girl.

Thankfully- the morning brought on a happier day- a better day- a healthier day. I don't like to see her sick or feeling sad, but I did enjoy our snuggles!

Phenomenon

There is a strange phenomenon in our household. It has to do with napping.

Olivia is a really good napper lately, and she has suddenly decided to bless us with 2 naps again instead of just 1! YAY.... I've been so uberly (not a word, I know) productive with all this time I have! But that's not the phenomenon. ( well that could also be considered a phenomenon....)

Most days, I don't need a nap and so I get a lot of things done while she naps- and on those days- she takes the longest naps.

BUT if ever I decide that I need a nap while she naps- inevitably she wakes up early from her nap and I don't get one or it only lasts 15 minutes......it's like she knows........

I don't like this phenomenon.

Miss Independent and its affect on Mommy

Miss O. has become her own little person as of late. Her little personality is sprouting and I learn more about her every day. As her dr. said at her last appointment- she is detaching her identity from mine- her own little person. I attribute this to two things. Weaning her and her knew skill of walking.

We've had so many wonderful days here that we have really gotten to enjoy the great outdoors.

I have mostly weaned her. I use to nurse her 5-6 times within a 24 hour period and now it is only when she wakes up and before she goes to bed. It's been a gradual process over a little over a month now and it has been harder than I expected. We've backtracked a couple of times, but really she has handled it really well. She is growing up, and it is my job as her mother to help her to learn and grow and become independent. Most days it's as if she doesn't even remember that she use to nurse during the day and we do just fine. But then there are days like today where she was acting a little upset and she kept crawling over to me and then snuggling into my body. She would snuggle for a second and then get upset and then I understood what she wanted because she was trying to lift up my shirt. She wasn't hungry- she just wanted that comfort from me. It was hard not to give it to her, but we are well past that now and she just needed me and so I helped her in other ways. But still, just thinking about it makes my eyes water up. Seriously, they are.

Because, she isn't my little baby anymore. She is my big girl. Ms. Independent. I'm filled with joy each day as I watch her learn. Today as we played games and I saw her actually stack her rings onto her little toy. She has never done that before. I watched her as she begins to understand the concept of "in" instead of only "out." I'm amazed at her comprehension, and think she understands the majority of what I say to her. She followed a simple direction today. She knows our routine and is a good girl about it. I usually always laugh when I watch her toddle outside and explore this new world. Yes she's been in the world for a year but mostly to watch, smell, and listen- but never really to walk and explore and touch. She loves being outside and you can see the feeling of freedom she gets as she chases the doggies and feels the sand in her fingers as she brings it to her mouth. Yes, its a beautiful thing and it fills me with joy. Joy because she is learning and growing and those are things that she should do.

It's an interesting combination when you feel joy along side an ache in the heart. Bittersweet I guess you would call it.

I've struggled the past few days with this- really struggled because I am beginning to learn in a whole new way how motherhood can be a challenge. A challenge worth every minute- but a challenge none the less. But this time- it is more of an emotional challenge- entirely an emotional challenge.

Everyone likes to feel needed. As a mother you always feel needed- but there are different level of it. Olivia isn't my baby anymore and she doesn't need me in the same ways that she use to. And so that pains me a little inside- even though I know that it is normal, natural, and right.

Mothers throughout time struggle with these feelings I am sure. So many times you see a mother shed tears at her child's wedding. They are probably both tears of happiness and sadness. Mostly happiness because it is a wonderful occasion and more than anything they want their child to be happy. But- then there is a part of them that must mourn secretly and quietly inside because they know that their child now belongs to someone else and they are not needed in the same way anymore. They wouldn't want it to be any other way- but that doesn't change the feelings they feel.

I know I will probably experience this feeling the first day she goes to Kindergarten. She will seem so grown up. I will feel this way when she doesn't want to hold my hand anymore, tells me she can do her homework all by herself, goes on her first date, goes off to college, and of course- gets married. I will be overcome with happiness because my baby girl is learning, growing, and doing what is right- but underneath will be a slight tinge of pain for myself.

She look so big here to me.

As I've experienced these feelings lately I've grown more and more respect for my own mother. She raised 6 children and after talking to her today I know that she experienced these same feelings. She told me she still remembers the day she took my older sister (her first) to Kindergarten and watching her walk around the corner into her class. Having those feelings that she didn't want to let her go, but knowing that of course she did and should. My mother is amazing and I am so grateful I can go to her when I struggle with even these little feelings inside me. She always knows the right things to say.

So in summary, I love my baby girl and I am so proud of her. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. I am overcome and filled with absolute JOY every single day as I watch her become herself. I love watching her explore and learn about this wonderful world that she lives in. I love her. Sometimes- I just miss my baby- but I wouldn't change a thing. I just have to keep enjoying every single second I have with her. I know all too well how time sure does fly.