Two days ago- was the last time I will ever breast feed Olivia. Just writing that sentence makes me want to burst into tears. The hardest part was that I didn't know it would be the last day.
(I've added pictures of when she was just a little teeny tyke because she isn't little teeny anymore...)
A few weeks ago I thought- hey let me see what happens if I don't breast feed Olivia this morning. We sat on the couch with some yogurt instead. She lost it. She wanted to get away from me because she was so offended. She burst into tears- and not the angry kind, but the "I can't believe you are doing this to me mom" kind of tears. There was a laundry basket with clothes in it nearby and she buried her face into it. It broke my heart and I gave in, of course I gave in. I couldn't deny my baby something she wanted so badly.
After that experience we decided to just slowly lessen the time that she nursed each morning. It's been going well but slow. Yesterday morning was the sad part. I woke up early and got all ready and then I heard her get up. I brought her out of her crib (this is the part where she usually starts crying or whinning because she wants to nurse- it's almost immdiate), but yesterday she didn't. She pointed to the kitchen for some food. I had very conflicting emotions. In one way it was a relief because weaning her entirely didn't have to be a battle- the battle was won, yay! On the other hand, I wanted one more time. I wanted to relish in every single moment of that last time and I didn't get that chance- ah I'm almost in tears again. Over the past day I have had to come to a realization to help me get over this.
I've relished the last 15 1/2 months of this- I didn't miss a thing. It's true. It's been an absolutely beautiful experience for me. One of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced. (Okay, now I'm officially in tears.) I started weaning her shortly before her first birthday and when I started I had a really hard time, thinking that I wasn't ready for this, that I didn't want to give it up. And so I took a step back and realized that it didn't have to be a quick process. So for the last 3 1/2 months I have slowly, oh so very slowly weaned her. I relished every moment of it- realizing that it was okay for it to be over soon. It was right- she's growing up- and she isn't my baby anymore. (though, I'm pretty sure she will always be my baby.) So, no, I didn't get to really relish the "last time" but it's okay, I relished the last 15 1/2 months of it and boy what a wonderful 15 1/2 months.
I've heard people say that Breast feeding is a great sacrifice for a mom. It's for your baby. While that may be true, it didn't feel like a sacrifice for me. It felt like a way to bond with my baby. It felt like a way to provide something that only I could provide for her. It felt wonderful and I wouldn't change a thing about it. I'm just grateful I had the experience that I did.
"All Good things must come to an end." In some ways that statement sounds so negative, but it's not. I think they must end so that the next good thing can come your way. As hard as it is for me to see this Good Thing end (Oh goodness it's so hard), I know that it is right and it is good also. She's growing and learning and becoming more independent by the day. These are all positive things- all good things. I'm grateful that she is learning and growing.
I still remember the first time I nursed her- just minutes after she was born. It was perfect actually. She was perfect there in my arms. She is still perfect. She will always be perfect to me.
***It's time to end the post when the tears wont stop coming***
3 comments:
Oh my gosh, I just gave Quinn a bottle for the first time today because I'm going back to work this week and I've been pumping but avoiding that moment when she would get her food from a bottle instead of me. It was definitely hard that she took it so well, but a relief as well knowing my husband will be able to feed her while I'm gone. Luckily it's only two feedings a day for seven weeks and then back to only breast feeding! I need at least a year with my little baby! They grow too fast!
Ahhh. This is such a tender post. Love you, Lar!
oh dearest. you are such a good mama. i know how you feel-weaning is so bittersweet because you're happy that they're growing up but sad to lose that closeness. and for me, there was guilt/worry. like, "if he's not getting it from me, he won't get enough and he'll starve!" oh, mother guilt, i'm shaking my fist at you. but miss livs will NOT starve. they know what they need and how much and will eat accordingly. but it's still hard. and that's ok-it means you love your child.
changing tack slightly, i'm coming to abq!! next monday! please tell me you'll be in town and not in utah-that would be such a sad twist of fate. we'll be there for about a week and i would love to see you as often as possible. will you be around?? email me or comment on my blog.
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